Local Apocalypse

Monday, life is coming to an end in this house. It's supposed to be that part of the 30-day no-sugar-added trial where all other impulses are abandoned as well, but we haven't decided quite what this means yet. Some ideas presented to the board were:

1. Do the opposite of every impulse, a la Seinfeld, where George does it to great effect on a first date: "I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." Best pick-up line ever. Actually, the only thing separating me from George-hood right now is a Herculean body, bountiful hair, fantastic talents, 20/20 vision, intense self-appreciation, and easy-goingness. Otherwise, I'm pretty much channeling the lifestyle.

2. Meditate 12 hours a day. This is the most realistic one of course. Unfortunately, in a different reality.

3. Become more aware of each moment by doing everything differently, i.e. only getting around by hopping, only chewing using incisors, only going to the bathroom in August, etc.

4. Get rid of impulses through overindulgement: watch 10 movies a day while sitting in a bathtub filled with chocolate and masturbating continuously. Appealing, but I don't think we have enough movies. Nor is any one of us physically fit enough for the third leg of this simul-triathalon.

5. Fasting. Ha!

6. Just give up! I've had great success with this strategy in the past and I don't know if this is the right time to break in a new one. It's "the easy way out" of course, but the easy way out's bad rap is undeserved. I already have the conversation planned out for when...whoa there, almost let that one get by!...IF I have a son:

Son: Daddy, I took the easy way out today, just like you taught me.
Mark: I'm proud of you son!
Son: And I'm never getting a job.
Mark: That's my boy! And don't you worry, Mama'll support us.

Funny:

(to Pei)
Mark: ur like the soviet union
Mark: has anyone ever told u that?

Mark: I'm only a 100% sure
Gene: well we should check the other 100% just in case

Michelle: he's so cute! He's so cute! He's so cute!
Mark: who's cute?
Michelle: the guy who got skin cancer.

(deciding whether to watch Get Smart or Secret Life of Bees)
Mark (minus brain): ok, let's flip a coin. Tails is Bees because bees have tails.