Endurance test codename "Bella" failed miserably.
Whenever I convince myself to throw down a couple sets of pushups, pullups, layups, etc., the number of reps per set always decreases with each passing set. Yesterday I observed the same trend with a horrible drama movie (Bella). Turns out, I can only do 3 sets of hyperdrive drama - 40 minutes, 5 minutes, and 3 seconds. Let me summarize the plot so you can sympathize.
Chapter 1:
Flash back to a day in the good-old days when Jose was a star soccer player - the kind that can sign passerbys' faces and not get pounded for it. Don't finish the flashback, but allude to a bad ending.
Flash forward - Jose had a 5 inch beard, 6 inch eyebrows, and works for his slavedriver brother as a chef. Jose finds time every day to look down garbage disposal units, up at clouds, deep into people's eyes, and experience profound emotional turmoil on account of the girl his car turned into a puddle. ...No wait, that isn't revealed till Chapter 3.
Screw it. New summary: Jose meets...umm...damn!...can't even remember her name. Argh!
New summary: Jose and some woman with onions stuffed under her eyelids and lemons in her cheeks search desperately for a botox injection to arrest their facial twitching. Meanwhile, a series of flashbacks reenacts a little girl getting run over in increasingly artistic and provocative manners. I have a bad feeling now you're going to say it sounds interesting, but believe me, it was crap.
Saw Wanted today. First, let's get the bad jokes out of the way:
It should have been called Wanted: A Plot.
This kind of crap is definitely not wanted.
I just wanted it to stop, please! Make it stop!
It has been weighed, it has been measured, it has been found wanting.
Now the review:
Short version (SPOILER ALERT):
It sure was a load of crap.
Slightly longer version (SPOILER ALERT):
The plot is fairly simple. Basically it's a thinly veiled ripoff of the Matrix. A bunch of supposedly beautiful people (Matrix) run fast (Matrix), shoot even faster (Matrix), bend some laws of physics (Matrix), break others (Matrix), and do all of these in slow motion (Matrix). If the movie were played entirely at full speed, it would barely skid over the 10 minute mark. To make up for this, there are of course some excellent if ruthlessly abused plot twists.
One such plot twist involves identity of the main character's father, initially an unknown. The trend however is quickly established. Every successive man who dies in the movie is instantly awarded paternity. Not to point out the obvious, but this is dramatic! This ain't Gosford Park. I didn't stay past the credits to see the final act where Angelina Jolie finally receives the honor, but I have full confidence in her abilities as a father.
Another, equally excellent plot twist involves an Oracle - do I hear Matrix again? However, in this "remix," the Oracle turns out to be...can you guess? Is it a dragon? A hobbit? Kiera Knightley? All equally good guesses, but when you find out, you'll all be slapping your foreheads and/or slitting your wrists screaming "WHY??? WHY DIDN'T I GUESS THAT, IT'S SO OBVIOUS!" You've probably guessed it by now, but I'll tell you anyway - a loom. Yea, one of those thread gizmos.
Oh well, at least Morgan Freeman dies.
Showing posts with label bad movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad movie. Show all posts
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Eve of Tomorrow's Tomorrow
Time to broaden my musical horizons. I've been listening to the same Led Zeppelin song for the last 8 years. This moment, some of Michael Jackson and Madonna are trickling into my downloads directory. Michelle's leaving early tomorrow for five fun-filled days of nostalgia-for-home-camp. After the emotionally charged days of the past several weeks, I lack the energy for a twenty minute sobfest, so she's kindly allowing me to escape with a quick and groggy morning hug and a five day consolation session with my parents. Piece of cake compared to the daily.
Today's been a long day. In the morning I campaigned in the east for hours, attaining a mere status of Roc upon victory. I resumed the murder and pillage in the evening, and lasted only an hour before tapping out from fatigue. I just don't have the stamina of my 12-year old self. And even victories just don't have that same taste of glory anymore. I wish someone would just uninstall Heroes from my machine.
I've started and dropped four or five books in the last couple days. High Fidelity, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Fight Club all received a frustrated Alt-F4 for failing to arouse lasting interest. The survivors are:
Battle Cry of Freedom - being at Barnes and Nobles, it's irritatingly un-Alt-F4-able.
The Diamond Age - I haven't yet reached the fateful page 25 where decisions are made and sentences carried out.
Mosaicos - the Spanish textbook endures even the harshest down-sizing.
I've been given the 5-minute movie warning. All thoughts suddenly scramble, and all I see in front of me is the tower of ice cream I'll soon be erecting, and shortly afterward, consuming.
Last thing. Eric Wang has challenged me to a duel tomorrow. Weapon of choice - tennis racket. Place - Rutherford (duh!), the Wang is as always car-free. Chances of winning - we'll know tomorrow after the match; I've narrowed it down to 0% or 100%.
Today's been a long day. In the morning I campaigned in the east for hours, attaining a mere status of Roc upon victory. I resumed the murder and pillage in the evening, and lasted only an hour before tapping out from fatigue. I just don't have the stamina of my 12-year old self. And even victories just don't have that same taste of glory anymore. I wish someone would just uninstall Heroes from my machine.
I've started and dropped four or five books in the last couple days. High Fidelity, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Fight Club all received a frustrated Alt-F4 for failing to arouse lasting interest. The survivors are:
Battle Cry of Freedom - being at Barnes and Nobles, it's irritatingly un-Alt-F4-able.
The Diamond Age - I haven't yet reached the fateful page 25 where decisions are made and sentences carried out.
Mosaicos - the Spanish textbook endures even the harshest down-sizing.
I've been given the 5-minute movie warning. All thoughts suddenly scramble, and all I see in front of me is the tower of ice cream I'll soon be erecting, and shortly afterward, consuming.
Last thing. Eric Wang has challenged me to a duel tomorrow. Weapon of choice - tennis racket. Place - Rutherford (duh!), the Wang is as always car-free. Chances of winning - we'll know tomorrow after the match; I've narrowed it down to 0% or 100%.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Bad Movie
Saw Wall-E today. Blah.
The first 6 hours of the should-be trilogy were almost bearable. There were cuteness, silly music, and cockroaches - apparently a recipe for success judging by IMDb's thousands of satisfied fans. It used to be that when prompted for my opinion on a movie, I could safely defer to IMDb; this saved the trouble of later defending said opinion. But now IMDb must be in league with the movie companies because the average rating for a crappy movie is around 8. Wall-E is rated an astounding 9.3. I would have been happy to agree if I hadn't watched it. Unfortunately I did, and even the IMDb-sponsored professional applauders in the theater couldn't convince me of a single point deserved above a "5 for special effects."
"It's OK, it's over, you made it," I thought, as I made my way back to the car with my parents and my little sister. Wrong! My dad, though he claimed the movie had bored him into a stupor, would not stop reenacting the aforementioned boredom, with such skill that I fell asleep at least 8 times behind the wheel on the 2-mile ride home. Bored my ass! Now the traitor's probably voting on IMDb to infalte Wall-E's rating to an even greater obscenity.
Just heard from Chun, she loved it of course. This is good intel - she is not to be trusted.
Showed grandma our music today. Can't say she loved it. I showed her ~5 songs, and when I mentioned Mario was still finishing one of them, she asked "why finish? They all sound the same." Ouch. No worries though, grandma's been discredited. I grabbed a piece of apple pie as I left her house, and it smelled like cheese. When she shoved a tomato under my nose to smell the divinity, it smelled like the fish she'd been slicing. Hey, if she can't tell the difference between those...
The first 6 hours of the should-be trilogy were almost bearable. There were cuteness, silly music, and cockroaches - apparently a recipe for success judging by IMDb's thousands of satisfied fans. It used to be that when prompted for my opinion on a movie, I could safely defer to IMDb; this saved the trouble of later defending said opinion. But now IMDb must be in league with the movie companies because the average rating for a crappy movie is around 8. Wall-E is rated an astounding 9.3. I would have been happy to agree if I hadn't watched it. Unfortunately I did, and even the IMDb-sponsored professional applauders in the theater couldn't convince me of a single point deserved above a "5 for special effects."
"It's OK, it's over, you made it," I thought, as I made my way back to the car with my parents and my little sister. Wrong! My dad, though he claimed the movie had bored him into a stupor, would not stop reenacting the aforementioned boredom, with such skill that I fell asleep at least 8 times behind the wheel on the 2-mile ride home. Bored my ass! Now the traitor's probably voting on IMDb to infalte Wall-E's rating to an even greater obscenity.
Just heard from Chun, she loved it of course. This is good intel - she is not to be trusted.
Showed grandma our music today. Can't say she loved it. I showed her ~5 songs, and when I mentioned Mario was still finishing one of them, she asked "why finish? They all sound the same." Ouch. No worries though, grandma's been discredited. I grabbed a piece of apple pie as I left her house, and it smelled like cheese. When she shoved a tomato under my nose to smell the divinity, it smelled like the fish she'd been slicing. Hey, if she can't tell the difference between those...
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