Fasting

Today was a day of low motivation. I've been torturing Yuan Yuan for the last two months by forcing her to exercise a bit every day, specifically do five sets of sit-ups. She gets one day a month off, plus one sick day for when her period hits. I noticed over a year ago that she doesn't exercise at all and I kept trying to make her start an exercise routine. I also wanted her to lose some weight, which is why she's currently on the Steve Ward diet where she's to lose 10 pounds in 2 months, a reasonable pace I think. Alas, positive reinforcement suffered a major defeat in the war against laziness and gluttony. So two months ago I came up with a particularly sadistic more-evil-than-usual motivation plan.

According to this plan, she has to do five sets of sit-ups every day. If some day she doesn't do sit-ups, I fast the entire next day. It sounds a little perverted and risky but it's been working so far. Then about a week ago, she didn't exercise one day and I was all set to not eat and make her feel guilty when she recalled she had one day off every month. I was pretty happy she remembered because the thought of fasting is the hungriest thought in the universe.

Then two days ago she got her period and had pretty intense cramps so sit-ups took another break. And then yesterday she skipped again, but this time out of pure laziness and sleepiness. So today I've had nothing but water, and occasionally boiled water, which is like a placebo for real water--no matter how much you drink, you never have to go to the bathroom, provided you know it's a placebo. Yuan Yuan's been feeling pretty guilty all day and has been periodically begging me to eat something. At one point she spent twenty minutes with her ear glued to my stomach, listening to the frustrated growls of an organ used to getting candy every five minutes. I don't know if the two things are connected, but after that she professed a desire to go jumprope and shattered the current jumproping record in our house. The new record stands at 650. Finally she couldn't stand my hungry company anymore and went back to the hostel early.

It's tempting to say "that'll teach her!" but I think I'll save my energy for the pushups.

The knot of the day is The Perfection Loop:


image borrowed from animatedknots.com

If you want a little loop on the end of your rope that's in line with the rest of it, this is what you need. If you don't need one of those, you might need a life.

An Argument for Contraception

Got back from the awards ceremony barely alive. It is definitely going high up on my experience blacklist, right next to the Happening. The awards ceremony is a species of revenge against parents - a hybrid of PTO meetings, school concerts, and Nazi concentration camps. Parents are herded into the bleachers of the gymnasium, shoulder to shoulder, so as to promote rapid sweat gland activation. The room is then heated to 400 degrees. Flesh eating bacteria are deployed from ceiling vats. Six-inch knives are passed out - small intestines and kidneys are removed and passed down the aisle for holding. No bathroom breaks. Then the ceremony commences.

The teachers hold all the power. Figuratively, and literally, because they're walking around with coolers on their heads and little battery-powered fans in their hands. They have a small table stacked with awards, but don't be fooled, it's the most misleading table in the world. Every plaque is really a 500-sheet ream of certificates, every certificate is perforated and turns into 50 ribbons, and every ribbon has 100 stickers on it, to be handed out individually.

The awards start out auspiciously - band, chorus, biggest nerd. You think - this can't take much longer, everyone's already gotten at least three. I was particularly deluded - my sister had the best spot due to her last name - Vayngrib. Applause was requested to be held till all names were called, and for each group, she was almost always the last one. Thus, applause invariably occurred right after her name, which I'm sure has completely corrupted her ego.

Musically talented, artistically talented, dance troupe...on and on, and they all sound reasonable, and they all sound like they're nearing the end. In the back of the gym, you can see some of the teachers playing a drinking game - whenever students from their class receive an award, they take a shot. By now you can hear them too. Most parents are still fighting - cheering and pretending to be happy to not give the teachers the satisfaction - but many have already zombified.

Then it gets ridiculous.

Biggest Jew-fro, Ugliest Girl, Student You Didn't Know We Had, Biggest Bully, Most Hopeless, School Slut, Most Awards This Year, Biggest Asskisser...The parents are losing hope, who makes these up? I can smell fear, or is that the rapidly spreading pitstain of my neighbor?

Finally...after an eternity of sadism, the teachers have had their fill. The parents of the children who received less than 20 awards are called up, and stoned in front of everyone. By this time, no one cares, and are just thankful for the extra breathing room. The bell finally rings, and everyone who's still alive exits with their heads down. A few are carried out on stretchers.