Vovochka strikes again

Looks like some of these 30 day trials I'm on have to get restarted. Several of them died horrible deaths. The ones still going to strong are the vegetarian trial and the blogging every day.

The others, may they never rest in peace but get revived until they are completed are:
1. Pushups / planks. Sadly around a week ago, when I got sick, my arm also started hurting and not at all in that nice way like when you're getting scratched or a pretty girl is lightly biting you while you're trying to work and you give her dirty looks but don't punish her just yet because maybe if you don't, she'll keep going. But then of course you have to punish her so that she wants to keep doing it. Anyway, where was I? My arm hurt, and it wasn't from the sin of Onan, although if God were to pick one arm to go to Hell for that sin, it would be the same arm. Which reminds me, I read a great joke today about the apotheosis of Russian childhood mischief - Vovochka.

In case you don't know, Vovochka is a cornerstone of Russian joke culture. He is an irreverent reprobate, whether he happens to be age 5 or 30 in the joke, and he thrives on tearing down teachers, parents, and other grown-ups that stereotypically demand respect. Vovochka is also extremely sexual, which renders all innocent classroom questions dangerous territory:

"What does your daddy do?"
"How many watermelons could you carry and how?"
"Any questions?"

(Note: If you can't think of a filthy answer to all of those questions, you've probably never heard a Vovochka joke, or graduated from elementary school.)

The teachers typically know this and only call on Vovochka when completely exasperated with the other children's demented answers. Then Vovochka of course makes them regret it for the millionth time.

In this joke, probably one of the cleanest Vovochka jokes, Vovochka is inexplicably attending Catholic school:

Teacher: Remember, those children who get A's and B's are going to Heaven, and those who gets C's D's and F's are going straight to hell! Yes Vovochka, you have a question?
Vovochka: does anyone leave this school alive?

Here's one more:

Vovochka brings home an F in math.
Dad: why??
Vovochka: she asked me, how much is 2x3? I said 6!
Dad: but that's right!
Vovochka: then she asked me, how much is 3x2?
Dad: what the f*** is the difference?
Vovochka: exactly! I mean, that's exactly what I said!

Classic. Next time I'll tell you my favorite Vovochka joke of all time. Sadly I have to translate all of these from Russian into English by way of Chinese, so they lose some of their juice. Just don't tell Vovochka I said that.

So the pushups / planks trial is getting restarted officially tomorrow. I've been warming up for it during the last two days and the looks like my arm is back to full health.

2. The no eating sweets trial. This trial was actually going really well. Then I got sick. Usually when I get sick, I try to up my vitamin C dosage, even if just as a placebo. So I drank this just-add-water vitamin C orange mix for a few days. No worries, the craving is mostly gone, so this trial got restarted 3 days ago.

3. Reading with Yuan Yuan in English for 30 minutes every day. This one just didn't work out, Yuan Yuan went to Korea, and then when she came back she went on a tour around Beijing for a few days, coming home and crashing immediately every day. But we'll try to get it going again...though she's off to Korea in a couple days again.

4. Stretching. Restarting? Fine, I had to beg myself to restart it, but I agreed. Restarting this one today.

Instant mastery for sale

I asked Mario today how much he would pay to instantly become master of After Effects. Not THE master, but a decent master like Andrew Kramer, one of my more personal personal heroes. Mario started at $1k and I massaged him up to $5k with promises of future riches, but he wouldn't budge past that, despite the fiercest massaging. He finally shelled out $10k to become an instant badass actuary but that one was just a hypothetical scenario.

$5-10k seems like a miserly sum for even the most average greatness. I think I'd pay at least 10 times that amount. Now I just have to find someone to take my money. And then write them a check. The people in the Matrix didn't know how easy they had it. What the hell were they thinking going back to the real world to fight crime. They could have been After Effects masters!

Yesterday's discussion was much cheaper, but entertaining none the less. We were hypothesizing what would happen if everyone suddenly switched gender. How much chaos would erupt in Muslim countries? Would the next US president be a woman? Would I still be with Yuan Yuan and would I develop a taste for male? Would there be a frenzy of revenge rape? Would Mario get up and pour me some water like a good girl? Would there be no one in the streets the next day because they'd all be at home playing with themselves while shopping for shoes?

Obviously our research, and I don't hesitate to call it that because we used the scientific method and because it was inconclusive...was inconslusive. But mark my words, one day I'm going to give you a sex change and then you'll wish you thought about this sooner.

Who wears the glasses in this relationship?

Today, after a shower, I went back to the room to put on my pants, a little ritual I have. Yuan Yuan, who can't just sit around when I'm naked, jumped up from wherever she was on the planet at that time and did a little dance around me, or rather between me and the pants. Being a man, and therefore stronger and faster and smarter, I managed to get to my pants and begin putting them on before she could figure out right from left, which she has a history of mistaking for each other (as well as for up and down, depending on the pitch and roll of the bed-shaped centrifuge we keep next to the bedside drawer and call a "bed"), at which time she seized my left--a.k.a. her right--leg and danced with me around the room while I tried in vain to put my right leg and then whichever leg turned out to be the other leg into the pants, which was even harder than usual.

Of course when I finally succeeded, Yuan Yuan was sprawled on the floor (did I mention I was stronger?), screaming "give me back my glasses! They're in your pants!" (Did I mention I was smarter?), after which I felt something in my pants above me knee, and it was glasses (Thank goodness. I'm proud to say I haven't crapped my pants in years. That means at least 2).

Sadly, the comedy ended there and the soap opera began. I refused to take my pants off to get her glasses ("Whose fault is it my leg is wearing your glasses!") and Yuan Yuan refused to reach her hand in from the bottom and fish them out ("Take off your pants like a real man!"). The night ended in the worst possible way - everyone apologizing, including Mario, for not taking off his pants to check for spare pairs of glasses. 

Speaking of wonderful people acting stubborn and prideful, a former student once told me that if someone spits in your face, you shouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing you wiping off their spittle. You should just pretend like they're not important enough for you to even acknowledge that they spit in your face.

 I wonder how many loogies his face is wearing right now.

Dream joke

Last night in a dream, Freya sent me a joke by email. It went something like this:

A guy has a parrot, an exceedingly rude, obnoxious, foul-mouthed parrot, probably confiscated by PETA from the last peg-leg pirate. The parrot is completely insufferable, the worst thing being that it won't shut up for a second, it spews a steady stream of obscenities like the proverbial faucet. The guy tries everything to make it behave: begging, pleading, threats, spanking, ignoring, fingers in the ears + "La la la, I'm not listening!", hiring a parrot whisperer, he even does a 30-day trial of not cursing himself, to set a good example. Nothing works.

Finally, out of options, short of ripping the parrot's face off, he takes the parrot by the scroat and throws it in the freezer. The stream of verbal abuse is muffled and then a minute later unexpectedly dies out completely. The guy is curious, and a bit worried, so he opens the freezer door. The parrot comes out and apologizes eloquently and profusely, promises it'll never take that tone of voice again and will be the most well-behaved pirate parrot the world has ever seen. The guy is completely mystified. As he picks his jaw up from the floor, then the parrot says, "Just one question. What did the chicken do!?"

And that is the first joke I've ever been told in a dream. Thanks Freya!