Lies

More dutiful letters from a dutiful brother:

Hi Michelle,

This is Mark (your brother). Nothing's happening here, so I'm forced to make up lies to entertain you. Anywhere from one to all of them might be true though, so make up your own mind about which you believe.

While you've been away, crazy things have been happening here. From here on, nothing but the truth:

First of all, Mom's having another baby! And due to the marvels of modern science, the doctors said they could speed up her gestation period (usually 9 months) to two and a half weeks, AND it'll be born 12 years old. Unfortunately, since we don't have the money to take care of it, we're gonna have to dump it at the local adoption clinic. 12-yr-olds are about $30 a piece these days, so that's a clean profit.

Dad changed his name again, you'll never guess to what. His new name is Michelle. He wants to prove he can be a better Michelle than you, so you better practice every day in camp. Meanwhile, he's definitely proven to be a louder and hairier Michelle, though we haven't voted on whether that's better or worse.

Grandma bought a leash for Boris with a little electric tazer attached. Now she can give him a mini-heartattack without straining her vocal chords. She's also been spinning webs of lies about me promising to come over three times a day, but I've been calling her bluffs, and not going.

I have this annoying pimple on my face, with a hair growing through it. I tried to rip it off, but it must be a mutant or something, it's way too strong for me. Finally managed to kill it with a combination of John's holy water and a blow-torch.

Finally, some sense fell down from the sky and I've decided Texas life isn't for me, and anyway, it's about time to get married and have some children. Chun's flying in this Wednesday, and we're going to the altar on Thursday. Everyone except Serge and Natasha are invited, we can show them photos afterwards. Mom and Dad have reluctantly postponed enlightenment for the next 20 years, so they can devote all their time to spoiling their grandchildren: little Ding Dong and Ming Cheung.

OK, I think you'd better go now, too much good news is bad for the kidneys.

-Mark "the whole truth and nothing but the truth" Vayngrib

P.S.: Don't worry about missing the wedding, we'll save you a slice of cake.

Off to Boston tomorrow for a little while, though you should pretend you don't know this, whoever you are, in case I don't want to see you. Today's ass-ignment - finish Eat, Pray, Love, start and finish A Wrinkle In Time. Jonathan Strange has been ruthlessly abandoned; after suffering through 100 pages awaiting the arrival of the main character and some sign of action replacing description as the main vehicle, I remembered that I am an excellent quitter and hung an early ending on the crap novel. I harbor little doubt that my 100-page version is at least eight times better than the original 800-page one.