Who is Obama?

I was peeing today and I noticed something kind of weird. My pee smells exactly like Cheerios, and not the Honey Nut kind, the regular. I'm not sure what this means for my relationships with Cheerios and urination, but I sure hope I don't have to quit doing the second to keep the first.

Coincidentally, I had another bathroom dream today, where I can't find a satisfactory place to do my business no matter how hard I look. My bathroom dreams are riddled with obstacles that video games don't even dream of.

I was getting a tea bag out of the cupboard today, and I was failing miserably to get the flavor I wanted, or rather anything but the flavor I didn't want. Having taken an algorithms course at MIT, I knew that randomized algorithms kick ass. I'd pick a box at random and select a tea bag from it. If it was African Red Bush, I'd put it back and repeat the process. Assuming I remembered which boxes I already checked, this should have worked just fine. Unfortunately several circumstances were against me. First of all, when it comes to tasks like these, I'm your Guy Pearce from Memento. I never once remembered which box I already checked, so I was probably just checking the same box over and over. Secondly, the odds were against me: every single box was African Red Bush. When I finally realized this devasting truth, I had an interesting thought. Based on the given information I had no way of telling whether I was living in a house full of African Red Bush lovers or haters. Both scenarios made perfect sense. If the family is suffering from an African Red Bush fetish, then we probably buy truckloads wholesale. If we hate African Red Bush, we're probably still making our way through that one truckload from 1991, and drinking everything else first.

Now I'm thinking this probably applies to most situations, which is why we have the privilege of witnessing such wonderful misunderstandings. I'll be looking for more of these.

Madelyn sent me a hilarious image yesterday: it's a Google Search's Auto Complete giving suggestions for the typed-in phrase: "I am extremely"

Among the ten or so suggestions, was "I am extremely terrified of Chinese people," with 300,000+ results. I thought it was a joke at first, but then I tested it in my browser and it turned out to be true.

Curious, I decided to see what else the Google user base is interested in. Here are the results. In quotes we have search phrases typed into Google, and below them, Auto Complete suggestions:

"chinese people..."

chinese people eat babies (617,000 results)

"i..."

i can haz cheeseburger (956,000 results)

"why do..."

why do men have nipples (456,000 results)

"why is..."

why is my poop green (346,000 results)

"what do i..."

what do i do (550,000,000 results)
what do i do with my life (103,000,000 results)

"what if I..."

what if I am a black woman (10,400,000 results)

"what the hell..."

what the hell is Kwanzaa (119,000 results)
what the hell does a vegan eat (1,360,000 results)

"when did you..."

when did you stop beating your wife (681,000 results)

"who is..."

who is obama (126,000,000 results)

I kind of wish I could use Auto Complete for the sentences that come out of my mouth. That would make for some interesting conversations.

More great quotes from the Orient:

Pei: I don't like love