Programming your octopus's celibacy

The last few days, I've been reading up on good programming practices, design patterns, object oriented thinking, and how to draw arms, legs and breasts. When later I went back to look at my code, I was somewhat horrified. First of all, there were no breasts in sight. Second, some of the modules were getting a little too friendly with each other. So I've spent most of today trying to rewrite some of the more inappropriately intertwined modules, if they can even be called modules any more. Is an octopus having sex with another octopus still an octopus? It's definitely still half of two octopi, but visualizing separating one out might just give you that aneurysm you've been saving for something more special. Not to mention you might distract the lovers and wind up as part of the brainteaser. The only sane thing to do is to kill them both and start over, using chunks of their dead bodies as raw material.

Turns out, when you've been building stuff for months, it's hard to rewrite it all in the span of a couple of hours. It's kind of like a second pregnancy is at best twice as short as the first; after that you get into all sorts of relativistic paradoxes like Einstein himself showing up to cram that baby back up your vagina, after which one of the twins turns out five years older than the other. I took special relativity in college, I know what I'm talking about.

Hmm, I don't know if it was something I said or wrote or thought, but as soon as I stopped typing a second ago, I knocked a cup of warm water right into my crotch. It didn't feel half bad for the first 5 seconds, but now it feels...wet. And clingy. I may have to take off my pants and put them on backwards.