How To Get In Trouble

Being that I love to argue almost as much as I like winning arguments, it helps to know what one's doing in an argument. There is of course good reading material in this area that I review every now and then, but mostly it's for humor purposes, and offers little real advice. Luckily, there's what I call the 'U, U and U,' the three keys to being a winner. Everything stems from the following revelation: No one can argue as well as the Uninformed, Unopinionated, and Uninvested.

The uninformed:

Nothing is more deleterious to your arguing capacity than a trunk full of actual facts. This is one of those uncommon common wisdoms. Knowledge is like a rug that you stand on, a rug with multiple handles on all sides for people to yank. So all knowledge is excess knowledge, when it comes to an argument.

Knowledge hurts you in several ways. First of all, it makes you cocky. Little feels better than proving your opponent an ignoramus, and this makes it hard to resist throwing a little quote or worse - parable, or (don't ever do this) actual news or scientific findings. Unfortunately, that 'little' contains among other things, the satisfaction of being that ignoramus, and knocking your four-eyed, egg-headed and degree-laden opponent on his figurative ass.

And second, knowledge is highly correlated with verbal incontinence. When you know something that could further your case, stifling it is like stifling salivation when faced with an eighteen course Thanksgiving meal. Pavlov laughs in your face.

On the other hand, being uninformed gives one wings of freedom. Not knowing anything, you can make up whatever you want and be equally convincingly convinced of it.

So, the best option is to be uninformed. Alzheimer's is a cromulent path to take, but I hear the side-effects are a bitch. For us mortals, refusing to learn to read is a good alternative. Parents, this is your chance to ensure your child's happiness. And don't worry about school, no one's ever learned anything there anyway.

The unopinionated:

This one's more obvious than a monster truck sitting on your face. If you have an opinion, you hazard agreeing with a potential opponent. While agreeing with him/her does release a certain amount of endorphins, it pales in comparison with ridiculing them.

The uninvested:

Having a stake in an argument is almost as bad as having an opinion. It's not quite as bad, because opinions are usually rock solid, and stakes are made of paper or plastic money. (However, "paper covers rock," so it's mildly debatable).

Now you're ready grasshopper, go and make people lose their cool and hurt you.

(Mario's walks past me wearing a thin see-through white shirt. Meanwhile I can barely see anything, I'm so wrapped up in clothes to keep warm)
Mark: aren't you cold?
Mario (with a look of dawning realization): oh my God! I'm freezing! Where's my sweatshirt!?