DO NOT OPEN

Please don't read any further. Your very soul is in danger.

You asked for it.

Today I was woken up at 7:30AM by Satan's sermon taking place only feet away. Our downstairs' neighbor's apartment bore the heart of evil in its belly.

How did I know it was Satan? Judge for yourself. The following clips are samples of what we heard at 7:30AM. We, because I woke up Mario when I could no longer stand what the sound was doing to me - about 15 seconds after first hearing it.

WARNING - DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS IF YOU'RE SUSCEPTIBLE TO SATAN, OR IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING YOURSELF AND EVERYONE IN A TWELVE MILE RADIUS.
Do not open
Definitely do not open

Note: if you want to get the full effect, loop it for forty minutes. But don't say I didn't warn you.

I recorded this like a true reporter - half naked, holding my computer with microphone attached right outside the enemy's door. But to be honest, I didn't feel in much more danger than while just listening.

The entire twenty minutes before that, I was hysterical, and slowly helping Mario achieve the same plane of hilarity. We could not understand a single word in this non-repeating mantra, but we knew it was implanting hideous impulses in our psyches. The remaining unsubjugated neurons in our minds yearned more than anything to wake up Daniel so that he could banish it to Hell, but alas, we were not strong enough.

We were certain, like we had never been certain of anything in our lives, that this sound was accompanied by virgins being sacrificed, or at least goats. And we were also certain that we would be doing something very similar within the next hour. We could practically taste the subliminal messages and post-hypnotic suggestions buried in the thing. Mario claimed it made want to him murder everyone in a twelve mile radius. I was filled with the completely irrational and inexplicable desire to be more than twelve miles away.

As of now, the sound has ceased. I don't know if it's divine intervention or something else that stopped it, but as of several minutes, it has been replaced by the jolliest Indian songs I've ever heard. They're probably still instructing me to gouge out my eyeballs and set Mario on fire, but at least they're pleasant to the ears.

On a related note, here's a related note:

Shrek was on the other day and Mario and I spent some time figuring out how dragons and the laws of physics could coincide in one universe. We mentally co-engineered a dragon, and found that it's not altogether unbelievable for them to exist. We started with the premise that dragons need really big wings as compared with birds. A dragon that's really a magnified bird would never work. This is because mass increases roughly cubically with respect to a dragon's radius. However, this premise was quickly dropped because we didn't want out dragons to look retarded. We decided instead that dragons would have to be really really light. To ensure a low density, we filled them with steaming hot air, because everyone knows hot air rises. When we were done, it turned out that dragons float like Hindenbergs, and they flap their wings only if they want to get down from the sky. If you chop off a dragon's wings, it zooms away into outer space at escape velocity. And that also explains why there are no more dragons.