Administer to Combat Excessive Happiness

Morning meditation:

I meditated in Michelle's room this morning instead of downstairs. There were three of us: Ellen, me, and Michelle's boombox. The last of the three, though set to CD mode and on Stop, insisted on being a distraction. Every now and then, it would go into vocal fry with random Morse-code-like rhythms, like when you're searching for a radio station. Being a patient and peaceful meditator, I could only curse the gods (mildly, because of the 30-day no cursing trial) and make silent promises to throw the thing in the nearest river after the hour was up. Getting up and turning it off would be admitting weakness, something 30-day trial meditators never do.

After my arsenal of euphemistic insults ran dry, I decided that since in today's meditation I was practicing mindfulness - being aware of the state of my body and mind - that maybe the boombox was trying to help me. A couple of times I would slip into some thoughtstream that I only planned to be aware of but not take part in, and then the boombox's interruption was welcome. A few times I even thought it was being more than naturally prescient. But towards the end of the hour, the novelty wore off. Instead of "be mindful" warnings, the thing got chattery, more like "pay attention to me, pay attention to me!"

Being mindful is easier if there's a specific thing to be mindful of. Just waiting and being mindful is for the gurus. So I tried to monitor my breathing. The inner dialogue went something like this:

"In...out...in...out...in...wow, I could really use a piece of chocolate right now. Mmm, yea...oh yea, out...(cough)...held that one in too long, in...out...has it been an hour yet? No...mustn't check yet, it'll just be embarassing how much time actually went by...OK, surrender my boredom to Buddha...no, first gotta generate some reverence. I'm reverent, I'm reverent, I'm reverent, OK, I'm reverent enough, what was I surrendering? Wait, shouldn't I be monitoring my breathing? OK, here we go again, in...out...in...out..."

And so on. Funny how the mind is jumpy, and how easily it gets bored when it can't jump around.

Weird distracting sentence that flew by at one point:
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, Ms. Odessa has one torn ear."

For writing hour, I wrote a morbid little amateurish poem to help put myself in a morbid mood later on, if I ever need help.

Schizophrenia

Recently I've split into two
One of me's addicted to you
One of me begs to let go
The other can't stand the word no

Ceaselessly they fight for control
One incites, the other consoles
Each demands the seat at the wheel
Neither wants to cease to be real

<1>:
Why are you so keen to forget?
There's still sweeter deeper regret
Pain must be explored to the end
Hide it and it might never mend

Spill bitter tears and enjoy
Doesn't it feel good to destroy?
Blame yourself blame her blame the world
Envy every boy with a girl
<--1>

<2>:
You wake up a quarter to three
Take the reins start pitying me
I hide out until you are done
Take my tired body and run

Sit and clear my mind of all pain
Beg the gods to turn down the gain
Find some peace, dissolve your attack
Quit halfway, I'm gone and you're back
<--2>

<1>:
Me me me, me me me me
I am here, you'll never be free
Go ahead and think you've been cured
You are weak, I can endure

I'll be in each song in each book
Dancing in the words in the looks
You'll run out of things that distract
And when you're alone I'll be back
<--1>

<2>:
Trick myself, donate some time
See a film, find words that rhyme
Tell myself I'm doing fine
Keep busy, stifle my mind

Talk to her, borrow her smile
Feel OK, rest for a while
Slowly heal, slowly make peace
Feel your grip slightly release
<--2>

This is not a battle; a game
These two are cruel, but they're lame
Both are fake, they shrink in the light
Weak, they gum but can't bite

Pity, fear, you cowardly beasts
For months now I suckle your teets
Time's up, I'll show you the door
Love her still, possess her no more


Oof, hope I don't reread that one soon.